Shared Parental Leave: Expectation Vs Reality

Today has been like any regular Sunday, hanging out with my partner (Matt), baby (Summer) & dog (Lyla), each doing our bit to keep the little ones entertained (I'm including Lyla here). This evening though there's a different feeling in the house; Matt is preparing to head back to work after 6 months taking the lead at home, and I'm switching my out of office on as I start my final round of parental leave.

So, at this inflection point, I'm drawn to thinking about how our shared year compared to our expectations.

It's as much about Mum as it is Dad

We decided early in our pregnancy that we'd share our leave; we spoke a lot about the value of my career being equal to Matt's and that we didn't assume one would take the lead role over another. We both wanted a family and we both enjoyed careers. The conversation was largely focused on offering equality for me.

While it absolutely added value to me, I totally underestimated how rewarding the experience would be for Matt. While parenting is no breeze, head space away from the day to day grind at work offers an incredible opportunity for reflection and re-evaluating goals, wants & priorities. I returned to work an entirely different person and it seems mad now that Matt may not have been afforded the same experience.

There's nothing like stepping into someone else's shoes to understand their view

Life is tough for new parents; you're really tired, you're not sure what the hell you're meant to be doing and oh, did I mention, you're REALLY tired! It's easy to assume one of you has a better deal than the other. I remember seething as Matt recalled his challenging day at work. I longed for that hours extra sleep on the commute, a coffee break catching up on the news and the excitement of a new problem to solve. Matt was just as frustrated coming home to a messy house; how had I not managed to tidy up with Summer napping all day?

Switching roles, we really understood what the other had been up against. Matt had always been hands on, but a week of looking after Summer he learnt the necessity of taking a nap when she does regardless of how much house work there is. He realised that despite your best plans, babies really aren't all that into plans. And he discovered that time to yourself is simply not a time that exists in this new reality.

On the flip side, I understood just how hard it is balancing two jobs (work and home) that demand 100%. I felt the twinge of regret as I missed out on the first time Summer crawled or mumbled her first word (dog, if you're interested). And I realised that extra hours sleep on the train was nothing compared to an early morning giggling with Summer over breakfast.

Needless to say, we're much more appreciative of the other and grateful for our shared experiences; both at home and at work.

We need to be kinder to dads

I'm trying to avoid any grandiose statements about the gender equality gap and imposing suggestions to solve it. But if I learnt anything during this time; it's that if we want to achieve equality for women, we have to address the way we treat men.

Two weeks after Summer was born, Matt was expected to return to work, business as usual, like nothing had changed. Sure, he hadn't carried a child. But he had been awake for the fours days it took Summer to arrive and slept on a hospital chair the four days after. He'd cared for me as I recovered, waking every 3 hours to help with feeds & changes. Basically, he was going through this massive adjustment just like me. While I was offered rest, time, adjustment, care and later a phased return to work; he was straight back to it, a pat on the back to say congrats and expected to suddenly manage these two new worlds like nothing had changed.

Moreover, we dealt with many a jovial remark when Matt spoke about taking time off. Why does he want to take time off - is it for a jolly? Does he not have a career? Is he ready to look after Summer - how will he cope? Will he do activities with the other mums or more 'manly' things? Funnily enough, I was never asked any of these questions. (In reverse, was I not sad I was giving up my time to allow Matt to 'have a go'?). While light-hearted and not meant to offend, it brought to light just how entrenched views of traditional roles are in our society and if we want to allow women to assume a different role, we have to allow men to do the same.

Phew - glad I got that off my chest!

I am so incredibly grateful for Matt as we've figured this out together over the last 11 months. I'm not by any means suggesting our way is right for everyone, and also acutely aware of our privilege that allowed us to split leave this way. I have however been amazed at the number of people that don't know shared parental leave is a thing. There are so many ways you can leverage it, splitting it between parents, sharing time or segmenting leave as a single parent for example. Check out the link below for starters & feel free to message if you want any more advice.

Thank you Matt & best of luck for your first day back at work in the morning!