Talk to us - Samaritans

Talk to us - Awareness

Male Suicide. The biggest killer of men under 50. Unfortunately, as many others will be, this is a subject I am all too familiar with. I have lost two people very close to me in this way, and I want others out there to know there are always places you can turn to when everything seems dark.

Personal experience

In 2012, I lost my Grandad to suicide without warning. Our whole family had gathered in Mauritius (my father's home country) to celebrate my sister's wedding.

There were no outward signs in the days leading up to his death, and he appeared calm, happy and at peace at the wedding.

He took his life just three days later.

The effects were immediate, devastating and lasting. In his culture, as the eldest brother, my father was called to deal with the situation and witnessed the scene first-hand. This experience has deeply scarred him. Likewise, the broader family are still traumatised by the event.

Lewis

My second and most traumatising experience with male suicide was in 2016. On the 25th of January, I received the phone call to say that my dearest, lifelong friend & brother, had lost his long-term battle with depression. This one shook me to my core.

He was only 26.

Lewis was humble, clever and amazingly talented at music (I'm talking, like, Maestro level here), art, and languages. Essentially, anything he put his mind to. He was also my best friend and the funniest person I'd ever met.

He had a tumultuous upbringing (though if you did not witness this first-hand, you would never know as he never spoke about it). As a result, he came to live with my parents and me as a teenager.

In all honesty, as a friendship group, there were times when we worried for him. But, looking back, many of our messages to each other were checking in, making sure he was okay. The thing about Lewis is that he never wanted to 'burden' anyone, so when asked directly, he would never answer truthfully. He had so many friends around him and was the cheerful joker of the group.

It wasn't until we all met up in the immediate wake of his death that we put it all together. We each discussed the snippets we had individually seen and heard, and together, they painted a bleak picture of his last few months.

The sad truth was that Lewis had become homeless, sleeping in hostels, temporary accommodation and sometimes even on park benches. Turning to alcohol to ease the pain, he had lost his job and told one of our friends at one point that he hadn't eaten in five days. But, separately, none of us knew the extent of his situation - because he did not speak out about it in life.

Only in death did we put it all together and see the true extent of his pain and despair. He was so loved and still is. So many of us were forever changed at that moment.

I read his eulogy.

At the time, I felt this was the last thing I could do for him. People needed to know how amazing he was and how privileged we had been to have him in our lives, even for such a short time.

Now I realise the last thing I can do for him is to raise awareness.

In doing so, I can only hope that someone else may recognise the signs and help someone in need.

The key theme is the internalisation of feelings.

He never discussed his past traumas and hid away when he was in his darkest moments. Although I couldn't help Lewis, I want to share what I've learned so that others know the signs.

Why are so many men taking their own life?

Since around 1990, men have been at least three times as vulnerable to death from suicide as women.

Research by Samaritans suggests that this more significant risk is due to a complex set of reasons. These reasons include increased family breakdown leaving more men living alone as well as the decline of many traditionally male-dominated industries.

Deprivation is another significant factor in male suicide, increasing the odds of taking their life by ten times compared with more affluent men.

Unsurprisingly, toxic masculinity and traditional societal norms associated with masculinity are the most significant contributors.

There's a persuasive little voice that whispers, 'You've failed' – unless you have gone out and secured that job, that house, that car, that partner, those children and that sunny family life.

Societal gender roles can dictate that men are not 'real men' when they express emotion. This stigma can cause men to suppress their feelings to appear "manly" and "strong".

Although mental health problems are common, stigma is still attached to them, making them difficult to discuss.

As a result, men are less likely to seek help from friends or medical professionals for mental health issues.

It's essential to open up.

As mentioned above, social pressures can mean that men find it harder to discuss feelings of vulnerability or ask for help openly. But the evidence is clear, bottling up these feelings can worsen things.

You are not alone if you suffer from depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. Many options help you cope, and the sooner you seek help, the better.

Seeing your GP is often the best way to get help. They will be able to assess your condition, provide support and discuss different treatment options.

Turn to friends and family. Please do not feel that you are a 'burden' to anyone. You are loved.

If you feel your situation is too urgent to wait for a GP appointment, you may be experiencing a mental health crisis - please seek immediate help.

Signs that someone may not be okay

Many people struggle to cope at one point or another in their lives. Reaching out to someone could help them know that someone cares, that they are valued, and allow them to access the support they need.

Everyone copes and reacts in their way, but here are some general signs to look out for. For some people, several of these signs might apply - for others, just one or two, or none.

Signs to look out for

• Feeling restless and agitated
• Feeling angry and aggressive
• Feeling tearful
• Being tired or lacking in energy
• Not wanting to talk to or be with people
• Not wanting to do things they usually enjoy
• Using alcohol or drugs to cope with feelings
• Finding it hard to cope with everyday things
• Not replying to messages or being distant
• Talking about feeling hopeless, helpless or worthless
• Talking about feeling trapped by life circumstances they can't see a way out of or feeling unable to escape their thoughts
• A change in routine, such as sleeping or eating more or less than normal
• Engaging in risk-taking behaviour, like gambling or violence

 You might not always be able to spot these signs. These emotions may be more difficult to spot if you're seeing less of the people you're close to.

It can also be useful to identify circumstances that can trigger suicidal thoughts or make it hard for someone to cope.

Situations to look out for

• loss, including loss of a friend or a family member through bereavement
• suicide or attempted suicide of family member, friend or public figure
• relationship and family problems
• housing problems
• financial worries
• job-related stress
• college or study-related pressures
• bullying, abuse or neglect
• loneliness and isolation
• challenging current events
• depression
• painful and/or disabling physical illness
• heavy use of or dependency on alcohol or other drugs

 Again, these may not apply to everyone struggling, but they can be useful to look out for.

What to do if you think someone is struggling

What to do when someone is in immediate danger

If someone has hurt themselves and you think their injuries are life-threatening, call an ambulance on 999. You can do this whether you are with them in person or not. You will need to be able to give a location.

Samaritans can call an ambulance on your behalf if you prefer. Call 116 123 to speak to a trained volunteer.

Many people worry that reaching out will be intrusive or make things worse. You'll soon be able to tell if the person you're speaking to isn't comfortable or doesn't want to have that kind of conversation. If they don't want to open up, you'll still have to let them know you're there for them.

Follow these tips from Samaritans on what to do if you think someone may be struggling.

If you're worried someone is suicidal, it's okay to ask them directly. Research shows that this helps - because it gives them permission to tell you how they feel and shows that they are not a burden.

Finding other forms of help

Every year in July, Samaritans branches in the UK and the Republic of Ireland hold local events to raise awareness.

Samaritans are there to listen to anyone struggling to cope at any time of the day or night.

You can contact Samaritans on 116 123 (UK and Republic of Ireland; this number will not appear on your phone bill), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of the nearest branch.

There are many ways to support and alleviate mental health problems. However, the most important thing is to take that first step.

Talking to someone can help immediately by reducing the pressure and feelings of isolation. Opening up to friends and family is just as important. Emotional support from the people closest to you will make all the difference.

Above all - please remember that though you may feel like there is no hope when you are in the darkest depths of despair, you CAN get through this. People are always available to listen at any time of the day or night.

Article written by Danielle Chetty, research conducted by Victoria Cannon