Wanna be inclusive? Correct pronoun use is NOT negotiable

Welcome to Simply Diversity. This bimonthly letter breaks down key diversity concepts and explains how you can apply them... simply. There are plenty of terms heard ‘round the Internet as we prioritize diversity, inclusion and belonging in everything we do. This newsletter explains what these concepts are, why they’re important, and how to practice them. 

I had a prospective client ask me recently about offering unconscious bias education for their employees: 

“Great,” I said. “What in particular do you want to cover: Gender? Race? Pronoun use?

The person paused and said, “We’d like to offer the workshop... but is there a way we can skip LGBTQ issues and pronouns?”

. . .

Despite how far we’ve come, there’s a reluctance in many workplaces to meet gender diversity head on. People often feel awkward and uncertain about using pronouns outside the gender binary of he/his or she/hers.  

Last week my colleague Shane Whalley joined me for conversation about nonbinary pronouns and etiquette, and shared simple ways you can make your actions and workplace more inclusive. Here’s what you need to know:

Break it down:

Nonbinary and transgender are not new concepts, though they might be new terms, because the English language has never had a good way to describe them. Today, many nonbinary people use they/them pronouns, and others, including Shane, use ze/hir/hirs (pronounced “zee,” “here,” and “heres”), though this isn’t an exhaustive list. 

I hope it’s obvious why referring to people by the correct pronouns is important: because respect! But there’s more, too: 

Proper pronoun use is a civil right, protected by the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (this wasn’t always true. Workplace protection for LGBTQ employees was determined by the Supreme Court in 2020). You can open yourself up to a lawsuit and liability if you don’t use correct pronouns in your workplace.

But I hate to always use the stick. What about the carrot? By using correct pronouns, you create a workplace or community where people feel comfortable and can be their best selves. Where everyone’s whole self is reflected and acknowledged at work. Why WOULDN’T you want that??

Do Something Different:

The key to getting comfortable making pronoun identification routine in your workplace is practice.

I’ll be honest: I’ve been talking with Shane for a few weeks now and I still stumble over hir pronouns. But I’m practicing so I can walk the path I encourage my clients to walk.

In our livestream, Shane shared a ton of helpful tips:

1. Lead with your own pronouns. Introduce yourself with, “my name is Stacey, and my pronouns are she/her. What about you?”
2. Ask people what pronouns they use without making it a big deal! We should be asking everyone what pronouns they use, not just the people who we assume use pronouns other than he/she (because we are likely wrong). 
3. The term “preferred pronouns” isn’t accurate. Your pronouns are just your pronouns. Calling them “preferred” implies that using them is optional.
4. Put your pronouns in your email signature, Zoom name, and social media profiles. LinkedIn recently added a pronouns field to profiles, so add yours! 
5. Start using diverse pronouns in presentations, case studies, and more. This goes a long way towards ensuring that people of all gender identities see themselves reflected, and it’s great practice to get used to pronouns outside the gender binary.
6. There’s SO much binary language beyond pronouns, and there doesn’t have to be. Instead of welcoming an audience with “welcome, ladies and gentleman,” consider using “welcome, everyone/folks/distinguished guests/friends.” 
7. Sir and ma’am is another example. This can be a tough habit to break, especially where it’s considered a sign of respect. Shane points out that we should think about respect from the perspective of the receiver, not the giver. Ze doesn’t feel respected by being called “sir” or “ma’am.” Instead, greet or thank people with kindness and friendliness and without assuming their gender. 
8. And there are pronouns more beyond ze/hir/hirs! This chart has examples.
9. In addition to pronouns, make sure you’re honoring people’s chosen name, even if it’s not their legal name (changing your legal name is costly, and not everyone has the resources to make that happen). 

I love Shane’s recommendation for how to practice using different pronouns: 

“Think about something you talk about with love, and change its pronouns! It could be a plant, a pet, or a stuffed animal. The fact is we need to practice — out loud — using different pronouns before we meet people who use them.”

Finally, Shane shared two more etiquette points I think are very important:

1. I know if you’re avoiding my pronouns

Nonbinary people will notice if you’re avoiding their pronouns. Ignorance is not subtle! 

2. Recover and “#Acknowlogize”

How people recover from making a mistake with pronouns is as important as getting pronouns correctly the first time. If you screw up, recover and commit to doing better. You could say, “I messed up on your pronouns, I’m sorry,” and repeat the sentence correctly. Or you could say, “I’m working on it, I’ll do better.” This is how you #acknowlogize.

What you do NOT want to do — a #PronounFail — is to say, “I’m sooo sorry but your pronouns are really hard for me. Why don’t you use easier ones?” This puts the person who was misidentified into a position of comforting the person who made the mistake! This emotional labor often falls on people with marginalized identities, and it’s not right. 

Instead: recover from your mistake, acknowledge and apologize for it, then process any shame or guilt you feel with someone who isn’t the person you just misidentified.

Now, let’s practice: leave a comment below and use nonbinary pronouns. As Shane suggested you could write about your pet, a plant, your car, an ideal candidate for a new position, a client avatar, anything. Make sure to talk about hir using hir pronouns. 

In case you’re wondering why I’m asking you to write these pronouns instead of speaking, you’ll find that writing isn’t as easy as you might first think! Start with writing and you’ll build your confidence and have less chance of causing a negative impact. Then you can start practicing speech.

I’ve left my comment below — now it’s your turn.

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