Welcome to Friday Fiascos...

A weekly look back at some of the f**k-ups and misdemeanors I've experienced and witnessed during my career...        

The market research that never was...

I've heard of agencies going to any length to win business, but this one made me lose faith in those involved.

I was working with an agency on the pitch of a new car brand launching in Australia. I'd had loads of automotive experience so was keen to bring my expertise to bear to help win the account.

At the time I was also working on the agency's largest account, a bank brand that was due for review in the coming year.

The pitch was chaos. It was being handled by the Sales Manager, as no marketer had been appointed - staff were still being hired. He'd never met an agency let alone work with one, and had no idea how to brief an agency, or what information to provide.

When the various agencies on the initial pitch list discovered his wife had given birth, her hospital room suddenly resembled a florist. He couldn't believe the generosity of the agencies, what a fabulous bunch they were. Especially as all of them took turns buying him lunch - no doubt dessert was a healthy dose of charming promises.

So, after the first round of presentations, instead of culling the list of those that hadn't met the brief, he added other agencies that had approached him but not been part of the initial process. The short list became longer than the original long list - crazy stuff.

My B.S. antenna was vibrating big time, as I felt this was not going to be a fair beauty contest - as agency pitches are called. After all, they are generally just different teams of humans posing in the hope they get picked as the winner.

But the agency's Creative Director was on a mission - a mission to create TV commercials. He suggested we create three "rough commercials" and present them with market research to support our recommendations. These roughs were going to cost about $100,000 to make.

I was asked my opinion. I said let's withdraw, as it wasn't a level playing field. We'd do better spending the money on ideas to keep the agency's largest client - which at the time was paying more than $250,000 a month retainer. This was last century folks.

The Creative Director opposed the thought, demanding that "we need more TVCs in the agency". So he created the three "rough commercials".

But the thing that blew me away was the "market research" to support the roughs.

It never happened. Didn't occur.

The agency manufactured the research document out of thin air, apparently editing one they'd used in another pitch, which had probably been manufactured from the same thin air - or maybe it was thick?

Amazingly, the market research revealed that the TVC the Creative Director most wanted to produce, was clearly the most liked by all the consumers in the States of Queensland, NSW and Victoria. Who'd have thunk it hey? Must have been some brilliant creative insight.

I diplomatically tried to remove myself from the presentation itself, but was told I had to play a part. Unsurprisingly, the agency didn't win the business and I believe the agency that did, only held the account a short time.

Suffice to say, I didn't last long there and moved onto other things. And coincidentally, so did the bank client after the next review...