WOBWednesday: Watch Your WOBs

Last week I was working on a client proposal, and I had an experience with a colleague that reminded me how important it is to be mindful and intentional about my WOBs (Ways of BEING).

I had drafted the proposal and was meeting with two of my colleagues to plan next steps for submitting our RFP response. I went into the call thinking we were going to discuss logistics, then things took an unexpected turn: One of my colleagues began giving me pointed feedback about the document.

Since I had not anticipated getting edits to the proposal at that time, it took a moment for me to adjust my expectations for the conversation. I quickly shifted and began taking notes.

At first, I diligently wrote down every comment she made because I could see the value of her input. She was making valid points that, if addressed, would enhance the overall clarity of the proposal.

But then she kept going.

And going.

And going.

She fired off comment after comment in a sharp tone of voice. She said things like, “we don't use that term here,” “that’s not how we do things,” "you should change X or delete Y," and “I don’t understand why you chose to [fill in the blank].”

Her feedback went from being helpful to feeling like an attack.

Intellectually, I knew what she was saying was useful to hear and that I would implement the majority of her recommended changes. Still I felt like I wanted to either hang up the phone, yell at her to stop, or just break down and cry.

My fight, flight, or freeze response had been triggered.

It was not what she said that triggered it; it was how she said. In other words, it was not what she was doing—giving me feedback—that was the issue. It was how she way being while she was giving me feedback that was the problem.

Fortunately, despite my reptilian brain’s fight, flight, or freeze response being triggered and begging me to get to a safe place, which would have been away from her, I was able to coach myself to stay calm and listen. I told myself repeatedly that my colleague was not actually trying to attack me, despite how it felt, and that she was giving me this feedback because she cares and wants us to win the RFP, which I know she does.

After the call ended, it took me more than an hour to calm my body down and return to a normal state. As I allowed myself to recover, I reflected on the experience and realized how many times in my past I have been on the giving end of this dynamic.

Can you relate?

Have you ever given your colleague, friend, family member, spouse/significant other, or child feedback without permission or without reminding them at the outset that the reason for the feedback is how much you care?

I can't begin to count the number of times I have done this. Can you?

I am happy to report that today I rarely make this mistake, because I am aware of my WOBs.

Before I open my mouth to offer feedback or even ask questions, I ask myself, “How am being?” and “What is my intention?” I ground myself in who I want to be and how I want the other person to experience being in relationship with me, and then I speak. Taking time to do this is especially important when I am about to share something that may be difficult for the other person to hear, like a litany of suggestions for how to improve their work.

The good news is negative experiences like the one I had can easily been avoided by watching your WOBs. If you're going to deliver a tough message, take a moment to ground yourself. Get clear about your intention. Choose a WOB like being caring or supportive or empowering that supports your intention and relationship. Assuming you are sharing the tough message in service of a greater good, like winning a new client, tell the person that even if you think they should already know. If you are about to offer feedback, warn the other person, or better yet ask their permission, before you start. Let them know you care. Their reptilian brain needs to hear it to feel safe.

If you catch yourself delivering a tough message and realize you forgot to let the listener know you care first, STOP! Interrupt yourself. Tell the person you jumped in and forgot to tell them you care about them or about winning the business together or whatever makes sense in the situation. If you don't, you risk damaging the relationship and not having your message heard at all.

In short, if you want to give the people in your life feedback or deliver a tough message in a way that leaves them feeling cared for and safe, watch your WOBs. Because as a leadership master trainer once told me, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”