"Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion."
– bell hooks
One of the basic tenets of 12-step wisdom is that we all need help to find our way sometimes. This is true for me when I find myself awash in anxious thoughts and depressive states of mind. I know that one of the most self-caring actions I can take is to reach out to a friend for support. At the same time, I also experience one of the most insidious paradoxes of living with anxiety and depression: an aching, almost cellular loneliness combined with an inertial desire to isolate. I feel paralyzed and conflicted at times, and maintaining healthy relationships can feel complicated, scary, and hard.
For much of my life, fear, shame, and self-doubt learned through childhood experiences colored many of my adult interactions. This includes making plans, catching up with friends, and scheduling time with people. Family rupture, addiction, and dysfunction nurtured poor boundaries and unhealthy self-reliance from a tender age. This combination of characteristics often led me to say yes to people, events, and situations that did not serve me well. Over time, resentful acquiescence became a way of life and allowed many friendships to flourish, crash, and burn. I learned to equate friendship with giving myself away, then walking away to preserve myself.
The common thread in this unhealed way of relating was abandoning myself and showing up inauthentically. I was spinning off my personal axis, and the internal conflict between the whisper of a real self I could sense inside and the person I thought I should be caused pervasive sadness and exhausting heaviness of mind, body, and spirit. I betrayed myself time and time again in this painful cycle, causing harm to myself and others – in some cases irreparably.
Delicate Repair
The last several years of my life have ushered in a season of physical and spiritual rerouting. I am learning more deliberate, authentic, and emotionally sober ways of living, loving, and relating to myself and others. My recovery journey has amplified my intention to live in integrity and opened me to new worlds of self-discovery, clarity, and forgiveness for myself and others. As I experience more healing, relational repair, and wellness, the damaging survival traits that defined me for so long are softening. My true self, all wet and wobbly, is taking a series of first tentative steps toward joyful human experiences rooted in truth, trust, and intimacy.
Truth Telling
Telling the truth about how I feel, what I think, and what I need is a personal paradigm shift. The truth is that I’m still scared and doubtful much of the time, and I often need more mental and emotional rest than I ever have (or allowed myself) before. This means learning new limits and giving myself more space than I am used to. I am also bringing more presence to fear and anxiety when they arise. I am learning to sit with the feelings of depression and discomfort, knowing that they will eventually pass, instead of turning to alcohol or food to numb the pain, “gear up” for social situations, or soothe feelings of self-betrayal in the wiped-out aftermath.
Healthy Alignment
Setting and staying true to healthy boundaries takes practice. The more I say no to people and experiences that drain my energy and personal resources, the more energy and personal resources I have for the people and experiences that fill my cup and deserve my authentic attention and care. I don’t have to be perfect, stoic, or needless to love or truly be loved. I can say “no,” “maybe later,” or “I’m just not feeling up to it.” I can take my time. I can pause. I can say “I don’t know.” I don’t have to abandon myself anymore. The more I run toward myself instead of away, the more aligned I feel. And the more aligned I feel, the better friend I am to myself and others.
Photo Credit: Cavan Images / Getty Images
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