Are You A Victim Of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a very specific form of emotional abuse and mental manipulation that disrupts your ability to trust others and yourself. While the term has gained popularity online, in reality TV and other pop culture avenues, it’s also a term that’s often over-used to describe other kinds of bad behavior like lying, guilt-tripping or shaming.

In truth, people use these tactics and more to gaslight their targets over long periods of time in an effort to gain power and control over their victims. But it’s specifically the pattern of repetitive behavior that’s used to deteriorate a victim’s morality, sanity and sense-of-self that fundamentally defines gaslighting abuse. Plus, gaslighting doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships, either — it can happen in the workplace and other public or private spaces with family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances.

Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD explains how gaslighting works to ensnare its targets, what motivates gaslighters and how to stop it from happening to you.

What is gaslighting?

True gaslighting is a specific phenomenon characterized by an abuser’s ability to consciously (or unconsciously) enact patterns of behavior that reoccur over time in an effort to get their victim to question their sanity, foundational beliefs and decision-making capabilities. By gaslighting someone, the abuser directly targets a victim’s mental health by undermining their victim’s ability to think for themselves. The longer gaslighting occurs, the more these behaviors begin to unravel a victim’s foundational relationship with trust.

“Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation by someone to make you feel as if your feelings aren’t valid or what you think is happening isn’t really happening,” explains Dr. Childs. “The person who’s perpetrating it may or may not know they’re doing it, but for the person it’s being done to, it can feel confusing and be very damaging. You start to question your self-worth, your self-esteem and your own mental capacity.”

Gaslighting gets its name from the 1938 British play Gas Light and its 1944 film adaptation Gaslight. In both versions, an abusive husband lies, manipulates and controls the environment in an effort to convince his wife she’s incapable of making her own decisions. By convincing her that she’s “crazy,” he hopes to remove her from the picture so that he can get his hands on her family jewels.

Today, gaslighting has come to hold various definitions that describes a myriad of unhealthy behaviors in a relationship setting. Some might even say that what we often think as gaslighting behavior is a watered down version of its far more sinister roots.

How gaslighting works over time

Victims of gaslighting often don’t recognize that they’re being gaslighted right away. That’s because gaslighting often happens subtly or in fits and starts. Gaslighting is often used, for example, in association with love bombing early in a relationship as a means of establishing trust quickly while covertly manipulating a target.

Over time, as you internalize the effects of gaslighting and begin to question your own self-worth and foundational beliefs about who you are as a person, gaslighting tends to increase in frequency and affect.

How to recognize the signs of gaslighting

If you think someone is gaslighting you, consider taking a gaslighting quiz.

Gaslighting behaviors vary, but some of the most common gaslighting behaviors include:

• Outright or subtle lying.
• Undermining a victim by belittling them or humiliating them.
• Being cold or cut off from conversation by withholding affection, attention or information so that problem-solving becomes increasingly difficult.
• Deflecting or countering arguments instead of working toward a solution.
• Minimizing the situation by trivializing or invalidating a victim’s feelings or concerns.
• Denying fault or shifting the blame onto a victim so that the victim is forced to feel responsible for the gaslighter’s actions.
• Shaming or guilting a victim into believing they did something wrong or that what they feel or think is inherently incorrect.
• Isolating a victim from their support network so that they feel dependent on the gaslighter.

On their own, each of these individual behaviors are unhealthy. But when utilized together and over longer periods of time, these gaslighting behaviors become a form of emotional goading.

Kate Abramson, associate professor of philosophy at Indiana University Bloomington and author of 2024’s On Gaslighting, defines emotional goading as a form of manipulation that relies on influencing a target’s emotional states. Essentially, a gaslighter uses these tactics to force a victim into a “tacit no-win emotional choice point.” The victim has no choice but to A) radically doubt their actual sanity or B) be morally condemned for “acting” in the way the gaslighter has framed their behavior (no matter how incorrect the gaslighter may be).

“The emotional manipulation involved in gaslighting induces the target to experience these as her only real options, to thereby accept the gaslighter’s framing of the situation, and in that specific sense to be emotionally goaded into agreeing with her tormentor,” writes Abramson in her book.

With each and every repetitive instance of gaslighting, then, a victim begins to see themselves from the gaslighter’s point of view — as “crazy,” “overly sensitive,” or “morally wrong.” In turn, the victim’s sense-of-self and mental health deteriorates.

Questioning their sanity to the extent that they lose confidence in their core beliefs, perceptions, reactions and foundational values then compounds mental health issues like anxiety and depression. These resulting negative effects on their mental and emotional health locks them in to a cycle of abuse and they become active participants in their own downfall. That’s what makes gaslighting so effective in interpersonal relationships.

In striking up any relationship, it’s likely that we believe someone means no ill will toward us, that they care about the things we care about and they’ll uphold the same virtues and morals we hold ourselves accountable to. Unfortunately, it’s these very institutions of trust and belief that the gaslighter uses to manipulate their targets.

“Gaslighters aren’t just trying to make their targets think that they are unwell or incapacitated: they are trying to incapacitate them,” writes Abramson.

Why gaslighting happens

According to Abramson, the gaslighter usually gaslights someone because they think they’ll get something out of it. Or the very act of gaslighting is used as a means of reinforcing the gaslighter’s worldview, morals and beliefs as the only true reality.

Gaslighting also becomes more effective when there’s some sort of power imbalance at play. So oppressive systems like sexism, racism and transphobia are often leveraged by a gaslighter. This makes women, people of color and members of the LGBTQIA+ community particularly vulnerable to gaslighting.

“Gaslighting works so well because it does not need to give a coherent account of the world: it only needs to keep introducing enough doubt and confusion that people find it hard to look directly at the oppressions around them,” writes Elaine Frantz, professor of history at Kent State University.

There’s not one stand-alone experience that defines when gaslighting is happening to you. Gaslighting is defined by the sum of someone’s experiences. It includes each and every instance of manipulation that happens over and over again. It can come from one individual, multiple people or from an entire organization or societal institution. And when it happens, it directly impacts the victim’s worldview.

Examples of gaslighting

Keeping these factors in mind, these examples of gaslighting offer a brief glimpse into what gaslighting might look like in different circumstances:

Gaslighting at work

A coworker makes a sexually suggestive comment toward you in a meeting. Afterward, you tell your manager that your coworker’s behavior upset you. In response, your manager is dismissive. He excuses your coworker’s actions by telling you, “He was just joking. You know how he gets. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

The second time this happens with the same colleague, you decide to report the incident to HR. They also doubt the allegations because the offending coworker has good standing with the company after being there for more than 10 years. Because you don’t feel supported by leadership, you then internalize these experiences and feel ashamed for making such a big deal out of it.

The next time you experience sexual harassment at the workplace, you decide to stay quiet because you’ve been forced to ignore the seriousness of the situation before.

You’ve been gaslighted to believe your concerns are not valid.

Gaslighting in a relationship

David and his wife Beth have a shared bank account. David sometimes takes money out of the account without Beth’s knowledge.

When they sit down to do their monthly budget, Beth notices for the first time that there’s money missing from the account and she confronts David about this. David, who believes in sexist stereotypes, accuses Beth of doing incorrect math and lies about having ever spent the money. When she tries to show him the evidence, he shuts down the conversation and says, “It’s fine, I’ll take care of it."

Later that week, Beth goes shopping and treats herself by getting a few items she’s been holding off on getting for the house. She’s not concerned about how much money is available because David said everything was fine. Unknowingly, Beth overdraws their bank account.

When David finds out, he gets angry and threatens Beth that he’s going to restrict her access to the bank account. Beth tries to explain that it was an honest mistake and that she only purchased the items because he said everything was fine. But David denies these accusations.

“I never said that,” he says. “This is why women shouldn’t handle finances.”

When it comes to matters of money in the future, Beth doubts her ability to budget correctly and becomes wary of shopping without her husband present.

She’s been gaslighted into believing she can’t handle matters involving money without him.

Gaslighting in public

Brian is a Black man who’s lived in a small, conservative Midwestern town for 25 years. In that time, he’s managed to build friendships with all his neighbors.

Lately, Brian has been overwhelmed with national news reports on the increase of violence against people of color and police brutality. So, Brian shares his concerns about his safety on his Facebook page along with resources he found helpful from the Black Lives Matter Foundation.

Very quickly, his neighbors pile on the post with comment after comment that imply direct or subtle disappointment and disbelief.

“You can’t be serious,” writes Bob, whose brother is a local police officer.

Bob’s wife, who’s white and doesn’t understand where Brian’s concerns are coming from, adds in a separate comment, “Haven’t we always been supportive? You shouldn’t be so worried.”

Another friend of a friend leaves a threatening and aggressive comment that reads, “Keep this crap off my newsfeed.”

These comments cause Brian to doubt whether he should have openly shared his concerns in a public forum.

Brian has been gaslighted into feeling ashamed for hurting his neighbors’ feelings. In the following weeks, Brian’s neighbors start making public posts about All Lives Matter. But Brian remains silent and doubts his ability to stand up for himself out of fear of further upsetting his neighbors.

Gaslighting in medicine

Gendered stereotypes have historically painted women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB) as being irrational, hysterical or not having the knowledge to advocate for themselves within a medical setting.

That’s why, in part, fibromyalgia often goes undiagnosed when a patient’s chronic pain is dismissed in a medical setting.

And gaslighting is a common occurrence for mothers, who can be made to feel invisible in the delivery room, a 2022 study found. In a series of interviews, the researchers found that mothers’ perspectives, judgments and feelings were denied by Ob/Gyn providers.

Can someone be a gaslighter and not know it?

Gaslighting isn’t always an intentional decision that a gaslighter sets out to make. Sometimes, it might even not be noticeable to the gaslighter that their behaviors fall under the category of gaslighting. But, like Abramson points out, the same could be said for passive-aggression or deflection. We often partake in these reactional behaviors without hesitation and without thinking about how it might affect other people.

“Sometimes we blame people for such aims, sometimes we don’t,” writes Abramson. “But unconscious aims are no different in that respect from conscious aims. In this sense, there’s also no obvious moral difference that would justify excluding behavior from the category of gaslighting on the grounds that the wrongdoer’s aims were not conscious.”

Whether we intend to or not, we have the capacity to hurt other people with what we say and do. That means we must be held accountable for our actions and hold ourselves accountable for the way we make other people feel, regardless of whether we set out to have that kind of impact from the beginning or not.

“Gaslighting can often happen as a form of projection, particularly when the perpetrator is called out on their behavior. This allows them to deflect and blame others,” says Dr. Childs. “It’s like a magic trick where they make you look to the left so you don’t see what’s going on to the right.”

While some gaslighting is unintentional, Dr. Childs says it’s important to remember there are still those who intentionally hurt people simply because they like inflicting emotional pain.

“Therefore, it is imperative to call out these behaviors every time they happen to protect your mental health, set boundaries and change the power dynamic,” adds Dr. Childs. “It puts them on notice that you will no longer deal with this type of behavior. They may then take notice and do something to change, if they are willing.”

How to confront someone for gaslighting

In healthy relationships, calling out unhealthy behaviors and expressing your needs when you’re confronted with conflict is key to saving a relationship, protecting yourself and protecting your foundational beliefs. That’s true, not just for romantic relationships, but any working relationship you have with your family members, friends or coworkers.

Since gaslighting becomes more effective the longer these unhealthy behaviors are allowed to continue, it’s even more important to stick up for yourself at the earliest signs of gaslighting and whenever they occur. You can do this with friends, coworkers or even bosses with the help of human resources. And if gaslighting is happening in your romantic relationships, Dr. Childs suggests individual therapy and couples therapy could be a helpful solution. Individual therapy will help both parties deal with their own issues so that couple’s therapy can help address the core problems occurring in the relationship.

“If there are multiple arguments, if there’s a lack of intimacy, if there’s distance in the relationship — physical, mental or emotional — any signs that the relationship is being eroded, then couples therapy is suggested if you want to maintain, evolve and grow in your relationship,” advises Dr. Childs.

And if the person who’s gaslighting you isn’t aware of how they’re making you feel, it offers them a chance to learn from the experience, grow and do better in the future. Chances are, if gaslighting is involved, the person who’s doing the gaslighting could benefit from working with a therapist who could help them get to the root at what’s causing them to exhibit this kind of behavior.

“They could have learned it from their upbringing, they could have been gaslit as children, they could have narcissistic tendencies,” notes Dr. Childs. “There could be multiple ways that people become gaslighters, but they can benefit from therapy.”

When is it time to leave?

In many cases, it’s nearly impossible to try to reason with someone who’s consciously gaslighting you. If you call out their gaslighting behaviors as it’s happening, and they don’t correct their behavior or they continue to increase their aggression, the only healthy response is to walk away from the situation.

And if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or feel unsafe to have a conversation about how someone’s actions are making you feel, that may be a sign that it’s time to leave the romantic relationship, end the friendship, distance yourself from the family member or look for other job prospects so that the gaslighting won’t continue.

“A fire cannot burn if there’s no fuel,” states Dr. Childs. “They can’t fight if there’s nothing to fight with.”