Men don’t just lack friendships — they lack #intellectualintimacy — PART I
First of all, Louis Byrd I can’t even thank you enough for being able to chop it up today and then for us to find these very similar strings of influence in our own respective lives to come up with this “INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY” cuz bro, brain just went ⚡️
Natasha D. Wade thank you for expanding my thoughts around this and just pushing me deeper to understand what I even meant about it.
I’m going to say something that may cause cognitive dissonance, so take a deep breath. Not everything that is spoken needs to be understood immediately. Sit with it.
Black men, I’m talking to you.
There is a missing factor in how we relate to one another, and I’m calling it what it is: intellectual intimacy.
I’m not talking about grabbing drinks.
I’m not talking about watching a football game.
I’m not talking about a night out at the strip club.
I’m talking about real, intentional conversations. The kind that force you to confront yourself, not just in relation to your job, your wife, your kids, or your responsibilities, but you.
Who are you?
Why do you function the way you do?
Are you happy with the way you’re moving through this world?
I call it intellectual intimacy.
And as someone who has been around a lot of men AND NOT have actual FRIENDSHIPS with them because of “this awareness.”
I’ve seen firsthand how Black men, in particular, have a visceral reaction to engaging with this.
This isn’t an attack. This isn’t a call-out. This is an invitation.
Because the truth is, a lot of us don’t even have deep, intentional friendships with other Black men. Not just the ones to grab a drink with. Not just the ones to shoot the shit with. But the ones who challenge you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The ones who force you to ask:
Do I know myself?
This lack of intellectual intimacy isn’t by accident.
Black men are not given the space to simply exist.
We are boxed into narrow archetypes—athlete, entertainer, aggressor, absentee, criminal, failure. Society does not grant us the leeway to reflect, to be soft, to be vulnerable, to understand ourselves outside of what we can do for others.
And because of that, we don’t get to ask ourselves the deeper questions. We don’t get to challenge how we show up in the world, in our relationships, and most importantly, for ourselves.
So I’ll say it again.
Men lack intellectual intimacy.
Black men lack it even more.
Society has not given us the space to reflect on who we are, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take it.
We deserve to understand ourselves beyond survival.
We deserve friendships rooted in more than just drinking and distractions.
We deserve healing.
Let that sit before reacting. Let it marinate.
Because this is not about proving ourselves to America, our relationships, or anyone else.
This is about proving ourselves to ourselves.
That’s it.
This will be a series, so be ready for this.
Thx.
#AskJoshDavid
