How Many Friends Should You Have?

3 or 30?

There is a lot of research out there telling us that our social interactions matter. Not just how many but the quality of those interactions affects us mentally, emotionally and even physically.

My father - the extreme extrovert - would say 30 friends isn't enough. But I find it hard to believe that anyone can maintain that many quality relationships.

My oldest daughter (who is even more introverted than I am) would say 1 is fine.

A friendship can also look different for each individual.

I remember struggling for years when my oldest daughter was in her tween years - coming to terms with the idea that what she considered a friendship didn't look anything like what I expected it to. It was hard as a parent to let go of those expectations and let her grow into the wonderful woman she is today - who's friendships still don't look anything like what I would expect.

But she is happy and that is all that matters.

It is so easy to fall into the trap of doing what we think we 'should' be doing at any stage in life - including retirement. We don't need to become socially isolated or suddenly become a social butterfly.

It can also be easy to look at someone else's life and think you should copy what they are doing. My mother-in-law is a perfect example. She is an extrovert and spends several evenings each week entertaining in her home or going to a friends house. She loves every minute of it. For some reason I keep thinking I should give that a try - then I remember that having people over means I have to actually clean my house and I that they will probably want to stay long after I want to go to bed. In other words - not the right choice for me.

I don't think the right question is how many friends you should have, but how many meaningful relationships.

Family

For many of us the first and most meaningful relationship is our spouse.

But we may have to learn how to live together without the buffer of children or a job. What do we talk about now? (This is one of the many reasons having activities we are passionate about is so important.)

Not everyone has a spouse but there may be other family members that we enjoy spending time with. Even if traditionally we only see them occasionally. Retirement can be a great time to deepen those family ties.

Friends

The second level of personal relationships is a friend. It could be a good friend you have had for years or someone you met recently. This is where understanding yourself and your values becomes very important.

I have occasionally fallen into the trap that tells me I need to 'put myself out there' so that I could make new friends. Usually when I am experiencing some kind of life change or transition and some of my current relationships dwindle. Suddenly I find myself panicking and thinking I need to replace those relationships immediately. What kind of a loser doesn't have more than 3 friends? (ME)

There is a cultural bias towards having a large number of 'friends' that you can spend time with. It is everywhere. Those of us who would much rather spend an evening at home, listening to a book on tape while putting together a jigsaw puzzle, are made to feel like we are a failure.

It has taken me years to get to the point where I not only understand who I am but take steps to support myself. I no longer feel a need to volunteer at multiple places, just to stay busy. For a long time, I thought busy=productive and happy. (Spoiler alert- it doesn't.) I don't feel guilty anymore when I say no to something because it doesn't fit my personality or my values.

It is okay to be authentically who we are.

Acquaintances

The third level of personal relationships are much more casual. I tend to think of this as the 'friend bench.' These are people I am friendly with but have limited interactions. Co-workers, vendors, people I run into at the gym etc.

We interact somewhere with a shared interest, but don't see each other outside of that venue.

These relationships don't require the same amount of effort as a friendship but have the potential to grow according to circumstances.

Some of my current friends started as acquaintances. We were co-workers and maintained that friendship after one of us left the company.

These casual relationships can also add to our life as they are often with people who enjoy something we also enjoy. It can be fun to spend a morning with other moms who like to run. Because the group has a wide range of ages, I enjoy hearing about what is happening in their life and being able to give some advice once in a while. It makes me feel useful.

It is never too late to develop a close friendship with someone. My mother found a BFF after she retired (she didn't have one before she retired - no time) and they were inseparable for many years right up until her death.

I have spent some time recently thinking about my own retirement goals in regard to social obligations. In a perfect world I will have about 5 close friends that I can visit and spend time with. I expect my husband will have some friends of his own and I hope we will have some couples who are friends. I look forward to spending an occasional evening playing cards or some other fun activity in a small group.

As an introvert I still enjoy spending time with people - they just have to be the right people.