SURREAL

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SELL CEREAL And because we're getting to the end of the quarter, they're only going to get more desperate. Come back next week when we'll be sending you all personalised pleas.

We are very sorry. Deeply sorry. Sincerely sorry. This is very regrettable and we should be ashamed of ourselves. But... ...we have targets to hit so we're gonna press 'Post' anyway.

THE (second) BIGGEST COMEBACK OF THE YEAR What's the story? Bananas. A while ago we launched a limited edition banana cereal. It was about 200x more popular than our limited edition Brussels Sprout cereal, and people have been pestering us to bring it back ever since. We were sure it was gonna be the comeback of the year, if not decade. In fact, it was gonna be the biggest comeback since Gandalf returned in The Two Towers. Then two weeks ago a couple of blokes from Manchester decided to bury the hatchet. Turns out one of Britain's biggest and most popular bands getting back together is slightly larger news than one of Britain's smallest and most annoying brands re-releasing a cereal flavour because they can't be bothered coming up with new ones. Oh well. By now, you should have somehow realised what you've gotta do: Buy the cereal.

YOU ASKED, WE DIDN'T LISTEN We try to ignore our customers as much as possible, but they're very stubborn and we're very spineless, so we always give in eventually. Anyway, buy the cereal?

TOP 10 HACKS FOR MONDAY MORNING PRODUCTIVITY 1. Sorry 2. I 3. am 4. too 5. tired 6. to 7. do 8. any 9. work 10. today

BOSH - AND THE ADVERT IS BACK Just shamelessly reposting this advert because we spent money on it and we need to squeeze every last view out of it. Remember, the more you watch it, the less we have to post it. That's the deal.

BAD/GOOD NEWS (IT DEPENDS WHICH DEPARTMENT YOU WORK IN) Mistakes happen. That's just part of life. What's important is how you deal with them. A good business, with a healthy culture, doesn't dwell on mistakes. They fix them and move on. But that's not our style. We much prefer to publicly shame the culprits, as a warning to others. Ideally we'd go for a medieval-esc stocks and rotten tomatoes style shaming, but HR said that's not allowed anymore, so we'll just have to settle for shaming our staff on social media instead.

ABCs of Business - perfect for if you're just starting school A is for Awkward small talk at the start of a zoom call B is for Business Development Execs sliding into your DMs C is for CC-ing someone’s manager when they’re giving you grief D is for Deadlines you’ve completely missed E is for Emails you’re ignoring about the Deadlines you’ve missed F is for “FFS Steve I know I’ve missed the deadline, just leave me alone” G is for Gardening Leave. Sweet, sweet Gardening Leave. H is for Handing in your notice and Hoping you get Gardening Leave. I is for I cba doing any work today J is for Judgement - “You displayed poor judgement at the summer party last week” K is for KPI’s - those things you get in January and ignore until December L is for LUNCHTIME M is for “Management have decided we no longer offer oxygen as a perk” N is for “Naked Wednesdays have also been cancelled” O is for Office Gossip - the only good thing about coming into the office P is for Posting on LinkedIn when you’re meant to be doing work Q is for “Quarter 3 is looking very, very, very bad” R is for “RE: Your unacceptable behaviour at the summer party” S is for Subtly Slipping Surreal Sales messages into content B is for Buy Our Cereal T is for TikTok Trends that I can’t keep up with U is for “underwear must now be worn every Wednesday” V is for Value, as in the phrase “You add no value to this business” W is for Why do I have to come to work X is for “X Rated LinkedIn posts are surprisingly bad for business” Y is for Yawning whenever Martin from Sales starts talking Z is for Zoom calls are the bane of my life

By now you should've somehow realised what you gotta do (buy our cereal)

FINALLY USING OUR GCSEs We spent 5 years learning about oxbow lakes and right-angle triangles, only to end up working for the UK's 47th largest cereal company. So, in honour of GCSE results day, we've decided to finally put our, ahem, "knowledge" to good use, and make some cereal adverts using everything we learnt. If only our teachers could see us now, they'd probably say "you've turned out even worse than expected, and we had low expectations to begin with".