Extended leave, developing patience and emotional support. My parental leave experience.

So here I am, 18 weeks after the birth of my third child, about to enter the weekend knowing that Monday morning brings me a return to the workplace.  

I’m extremely lucky and grateful that Deloitte have allowed me to take the last 4 months out to support, not just our delightful new addition in the Stallard house, but the whole family in a period of significant adjustment. To be honest I had intended to do a regular post about my extended leave experience but it’s been such an amazing time that I find that my return to work has come round very quickly and therefore I am sharing some reflections from my time out with my family.

The general response I have received from people when talking about my extended paternity leave is that it is all about the new arrival, copious nappy changes and all! However it has been just as important, if not more, to support our other two children through this period of adjustment at a time which has been just as momentous for them. For Charlie he has moved schools and those of you that know us are aware that he has an extremely rare chromosome condition which results in numerous symptoms including global developmental delay, anxiety and autism. For Rose she has gone into year 1, taken a big step up in a number of her extracurricular activities and dealing with no longer being the youngest family member or only daughter! Being able to be there for them both as a presence during this period has been amazing for us all, I’ve even enjoyed homework time! Importantly it has helped their own adjustment and made things easier for them. Spending significant and consistent time together has allowed us more time to explore and made me appreciate even more that parenting isn’t about rules but a flexible approach to allow shared experiences which we can all benefit from.

What has also been impactful for me during my leave is seeing a shift in my own behaviours and how this period out has helped develop my parenting skills that should also benefit me upon my return. I’m not talking about how quickly I can now change a nappy (!) but the development of my patience and the ability to diffuse difficult situations. Children can have the tendency to not be rational, especially when they feel wronged by someone else, and this has led to me to learn to slow down myself and support everyone in getting to a better overall place. I can see that in general my responses to people have become calmer, less judgemental and hopefully more constructive. Coming back into the workplace with enhanced problem solving skills and managing difficult situations will help improve me personally and professionally, so having the time out with my children hasn’t just been a lovely and rewarding experience but also one that has given me some personal development and education.

I have however been somewhat surprised by some of the conversations these past few months which suggests that there still exists the perception that if the man of the house is not at work progressing their career to maximise income then they are not providing for their family. There appears to be a lack of understanding or appreciation that dads can also be an emotional support within the home environment in addition to undertaking some of the regular daily activities. This lack of willingness to change perception in some quarters could have an impact on shaping our children’s view of the world. It is also interesting that in general the wider environment doesn’t easily cater for parenting dads with simple things such as baby changing spaces not being readily available in male facilities. Hopefully this is something that continues to change in the future.

Once the weekend is over I will be stepping back into the office (time to dust down the suit!), excited for my return but also conscious that I will need to help manage the transition for all of us. It’s great to see that Deloitte have already enrolled me onto a Working Parents Transition Programme and also having colleagues returning from similar situations where we can share stories, successes and challenges should make it easier for us all and hopefully no make too many mistakes on the journey.

If you are able to take time out to support your own family I would wholeheartedly recommend it and wish I had been able to experience it sooner. My top tip for any upcoming new dads out there is that whilst the key to doing a good job as a parent is building a strong relationship that isn’t just about the volume of time we spend with our children but what we do with that time which has the profound impact. It is all too easy to be consumed by the daily pace of life so it is important to slow down, be patient and enjoy the precious time with them we have worked so hard to earn.

It’s time for me to dash, it will be a while before I’ll be doing a school pick-up and being able to stop off for a cheeky snack or two(!) before getting to Stagecoach on time so I want to make the most of it. If anyone would like to understand more about my experience these last 4 months or are trying to determine what is right for them then I would be more than happy to talk on this topic further so drop me a note. Enjoy the weekend all I know I will. 

 #sharedparentalleave #spl #deloitte #workingdads