Parental Leave & Return to Work Reflections & Advice

As I informed coworkers of my impending 16 weeks of parental leave, one of the most common responses was, "I didn't even know you could do that!" While the tone of the response didn't shock me, it crystallized how accustomed society was to the lack of parental leave most men in my profession and the U.S. writ large are able to take. Long prior to receiving that response, I had thought hard about not only how much leave I would take and how my available leave compared to the typical leave in other fields and geographies, for better or worse, but also the example that my leave would set within both the industry and my organization.

It's easy to get frustrated about the lack of family leave in the U.S. and charts comparing U.S. Paid Family Leave to the rest of the world, and I probably would have felt more frustrated had I not been fortunate enough to live in one of the few states with paid parental leave.

But rather than frustration or jealousy, my emotions more frequently resembled guilt: years of hearing how tough it was to return to work on minimal sleep and not being able to bond with your newborn made me both incredibly grateful and reflective. I thought of my father, grandfather, family friends, and older colleagues who returned to work after a week or less; of friends and colleagues in other states without Paid Family Leave; of friends and people in other industries friends in other states; friends and people in industries who receive minimal to no leave - paid or otherwise, and those I know who sacrificed financially to spend whatever time they could bonding with their child and supporting their wife.

Prior to going on leave, throughout my leave, and in the first 50+ days after returning to the workforce, I've journaled pieces of advice and what I wish I had known prior to that point. This article is as much a reflection for me and an effort to raise awareness as it is advice to future parents.

Prior to Leave

This advice likely doesn't apply to everyone's respectively fields, but I think some general principles are cross-cutting:

• Tailor how you delegate work based on how long your leave will be, and the experience and capacity of your team. Don't be afraid to think outside of the box or your geography to find the right people to uphold your work and reputation.
• Use OneNote or another system to easily organize information by project or task, use hyperlinks whenever possible. Be intentional about who you assign each task or project to. Share your delegation plan with multiple people and communicate clearly where you have saved it on a shared network drive or folder.
• Take as much leave as you're comfortably and financially able to take. I haven't spoken to a single person who regretted the time they took and time they had to bond. The hard work and relationships you build prior to taking leave will serve you well in terms of establishing a reputation and support.
• Depending on how long you will be on leave, be clear about the boundaries you set at each point during your leave. I asked that no one contact me at all about work for the first 4 - 5 weeks of my leave and thereafter I would be willing to schedule a few phone calls, especially as my return to work neared.
• Inform your supervisor and colleagues that you're expecting only when you're comfortable, but once you do, work to finalize the duration of your leave as soon as reasonably possible. Afterwards, plan and consider all upcoming work in the context of your leave. You may also be able to accelerate or delay some of your responsibilities, depending on your field.

While On Leave

While on leave, I journaled every week or two to answer the following questions: 1) What am I glad I knew before entering parenthood? 2) What had I wish I known that I didn't know at that point 3) What were my thoughts about leave in the context of work. Many of the answers to the first two questions influenced the third more than I realized.

For the first several weeks, I also asked myself "How effective would you be at work right now, if you were providing all of the baby and spousal support you wanted while home?" Everyone has different sleep thresholds and each baby's sleep progression varies, but until Evan was at least eight weeks old, it was hard to fathom having the energy to fulfill my role of designing safe streets, analyzing traffic operations, and leading a team at a level even approaching 75-80% of my prior ability, much less 100%. I know generations of parents have done managed to do this before me, and more power to them, but during 3:00 a.m. bottle sessions, I couldn't help but have real concerns about the number of sleep deprived welders, electricians, drivers, healthcare providers, construction workers, and others currently doing their jobs, with a potential impact to not only their lives but others as well.

While on leave, one of my biggest sources of discomfort centered around falling behind in the state of the practice and not being professionally productive after 10 years of working. Especially once/if you bottlefeed, moms and dads will have dozens if not hundreds of opportunities to catch up on everything from Netflix to documentaries to webinars about your field (YouTube is great if you have a Smart TV). Hint hint if you need continuing education credits.

Emphasize flexibility if you need to engage with your employer while on leave. You may not be able to plan for calls the same way due to feed and nap schedules. Emphasize that you may need a longer time window to join calls and meetings and that you may not be able to join right at a certain time. There's also nothing wrong with taking a call with a bottle in your hand.

What I'm glad I knew heading into parenthood: a) Sleepless nights and exhaustion are the name of the game for the first 4 - 6+ weeks b) Preferences and plans are great, but flexibility is the name of the game c) Accepting help from friends and family is great - but don't be afraid to set boundaries or ask for specific help, like doing the wishes, bringing food, or everyone's favorite, holding or feeding the baby d) Cooking and freezing meals in advance is a great way to get a home cooked meal with minimal effort e) 30 minutes of sleep is better than 0: get sleep when you can f) It's frustrating, but it's totally okay to not know why your baby is crying

What I wish I had known: a) Feeding is unpredictable and can be extremely stressful for all parties; be prepared to be flexible b) Trading off childcare for even an hour to let you or your partner get some fresh air and step away is more refreshing than you can foresee c) Men may feel like they aren't bonding early on, especially if baby is exclusively breastfeeding. Men may also find that during pediatrician appointments, medical professionals will address the mom 90% of the time, no matter how equally you're parenting.

Back to Work!

Sending your child to daycare or nanny-care and returning to work - potentially on the same day - will likely be both emotional and stressful and generate questions like: Who is watching my kid? How will I catch up on the last three month of office news? Will my kid miss me? Did my colleagues miss me? Will my kid's sleep routine go out the window? How are my projects going? Will my kid even remember me now that I'm not with them 24 / 7? Was my organization better off without me?

While I can say that both my childcare and professional anxieties have waned in the past seven weeks, planning for these events and remaining flexible after they occurred was helpful. Do your best to map out you and your partner's days as you return to work. Between feeding, potentially pumping, prepping bottles, outfits, diapers, and wipes to send to daycare, and a new commute, you will need to adjust your routine and continue to be flexible as baby's sleep schedule continues to change, as you may shift from part-time back to full-time, and as you and your partner potentially shift from breastfeeding to bottle feeding and then wean.

Beyond daycare and the mechanics of returning to work, a few additional pieces of advice and wisdom:

• I have found that my workday focus is dramatically better than it was pre-parenthood. I no longer have the luxury to be inefficient and make up time later. Knowing that I return home from daycare drop-off at 8:00 and have to be out the door again by 5:05 is a great motivator.
• Be intentional about what you want your boundaries to be and enforce them. Some of you may work a strict "8 to 5" while others may work longer hours. Given that most young kids go to bed by 8:00, set a hard boundary from the end of work to your child's bed time - plus whatever time you need to help with things like bottle washing.
• You will value your weekends more than ever.
• Do your best to not feel guilty if you aren't able to go above and beyond in the same way that you did before. This may mean taking a temporary step back on volunteer committees, not attending Happy Hours, or working on your perfectionist tendencies.
• Sleep deprivation doesn't do wonders for memory. Up your note-taking game to help mitigate newborn parent brain fog.
• It's normal to think about your career in a different light and consider different priorities, but don't make any rash decisions.
• You're likely to have to suddenly take time off to stay home with your sick baby, and in my case, three snow-induced daycare closures. As with any other sudden time off, communicate well, make up time the best you can, and don't be afraid to take a conference call with a bottle in your hand or your baby in a play-gym.

The last thoughts I'll share are about parenting privilege. Beyond being incredibly thankful for the amount of time off I was able to take to bond with Evan and parent equally with Lee, I thought a lot about other privileges I enjoy as a parent. Tangential to my field, I was thankful to own a vehicle. As much as our cities and transport systems should be designed to not need one, I will perhaps ashamedly admit that owning one was a huge advantage in getting to pediatrician appointments, especially early on. Not stressing about the financial burden of parenting and childcare is also a huge blessing. Diapers, formula, and all things baby aren't cheap. And even though East Boston has all of the environmental risks associated with living under Logan Airport's flight path, not stressing about lead paint or other basic infrastructure and health concerns is a privilege that I know many parents don't have.

I'm not advocating that parenting be a walk in the park, but it doesn't take a cathartic LinkedIn article to think that we've made parenting unnecessarily onerous for far too many in this country. Beyond being literally essential to the future of any country, much less species, parenting is immediately one's most important responsibility and should center around more joy than financial or hardship related stress.

I will end by saying that society and the workplace should unequivocally support and defend significant paid parental leave. My recommendation would be 12 weeks at the absolute minimum, paid on a sliding income scale with a healthy floor, as well as provide parents who need it basic childcare supplies, as some countries do, such as a bassinet and blankets. This support would allow us to be more supportive parents, especially fathers, and in my opinion, allow us to return as better and happier (certainly less bitter) employees.